I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
