so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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