Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
