i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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