Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
