Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
