Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
