never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
