hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
