i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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