i think my tv is drunk
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
