Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
