if you like me you must not know who I am
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
