Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
