I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
