So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
