Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
