my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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