he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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