strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
