And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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