she takes plan B like it's going out of style
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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