I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
