You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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