get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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