I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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