Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
