I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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