I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
