I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
