wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Randomize