Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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