Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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