I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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