i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
