I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
