i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
