I wish my penis had an off switch
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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