worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
why is half of my head shaved?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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