It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
