Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
