that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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