Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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