someone get that fucking seahorse.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
she pinky promised me she was 18
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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