Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize