I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
