I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
