you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
