If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize