I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
