I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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