Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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