Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
