I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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