The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize