i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize