I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
