I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize