No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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