there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize