my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
NoShamevember. You game?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
