We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize