why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This is classic penis vs brain.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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