cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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